Buck Angel
I lived 5 years of terror. The sex change was a mistake..

My name’s S, I’m from Portugal, and I’m 28 years old.
Firstly I would like to say, you’re doing an amazing work. You’re unbelieveble!!! :)
You’ve been such an inspiration for my situation. Unfortunately, my situation is a little bit different than usual. But i have hope, I’ll be ok!
So, let me tell you, when I was 19 years old, I did a gastric Bypass to lost weight. I was obese, and after surgery I lost 150 pounds. All my life I suffered from dysmorphic disorder, because I was fat, and I didn’t accept my homossexuality.
So, I put in my head that I had to change my sex to female, to feel better with myself.
When I was 23 years old, I’ve changed to female. I did the treatment, and all surgeries in Thailand. I lived 5 years of terror. The sex change was a mistake…and I did that. I tried the suicide for three times…I didn’t know how to live as a female, because I didn’t feel as a woman. I was misdiagnosed by my psychiatrist, because I was evaluated for six months only, before the SRS. That’s not enough to diagnose gender dysphoria.
So, after these 5 years of hell, I decided ask for help. And I’m being helped by a medical team, and I’m changing to male, again.
This is an unusual situation in the world, but it happens.
I’m taking testosterone since December 2011, and I also removed the breast implants. :) Now I’m feeling much better at home. Because I don’t know how to deal with people yet. I have a little social phobia. I’m always scared of what people gonna say about me…about my appearence. You know…my brain is still receiving all the new information. But I have hope and faith I’ll be ok. One day I’ll feel much better with myself. :)
Two sex changes in one life is complicated. ahahaha… :p

I would like to keep in touch with you, if you have some advice to me. And thank you so very much for your support. You’re amazing. You’re an inspiration! Never give up from what you’re doing Buck. :)

Hugs!!!

Hi S,
Thank you so much for telling me your story. WOW what a story to tell. I am so happy that you seem to have finally found peace and where you need to be in life. Sorry you had to go through so much to get here.
I also wanted to tell you that I have received other letters very similar to yours in regards to people feeling they needed to have a sex change in order to fit in and then down the road realized they made a mistake. This is why I do stress that it is a very important choice to make and to be sure you understand the importance of this. Not to just change to fit in.
Being gay and being transsexual are two different things. I am so sorry your doctor had no clue!
There are groups out there for men like yourself so find a good support group to help with your transition.
Just remember to love yourself first and not care what other think of you. You will do fine and keep in touch with me as I would like to see how your doing.
WOOF!
Buck Angel®
Pioneering Filmmaker, Speaker, and Advocate

transgender teen suicide

Dear Mr. Buck,
 Hello, my name is Sam and I am a transgender teen. I just watched your “It Gets Better” video and you said we could talk to you… Well I have no support it feels like, I hate being misunderstood and no one really even tries to understand anymore. I see there are all these kids finding support in their communities but when I look around all I see are churches telling me that I’m wrong and disgusting. I can’t go to my father who is a “God fearing” minister and strong believer of so. I can’t go to my step-mom who is the same way. I tried to go to my friends but they can’t seem to understand. School is no help at all because I’m living in xxx in the heart of the bible belt and everyone here is “God’s way or the highway”. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hate this body that I am in… It doesn’t match my heart, or my mind and it’s killing me. I have cut before and I don’t want to spiral down that low again. I’ve contemplated suicide everyday for three years now and I don’t like the person I’m becoming… Please, give me some advice?

Hi Sam

Sam please don’t even think of killing yourself, that is what those who are making you feel this way want! Your a person who is normal in how you feel. If it wasn’t normal than why do so many of us feel this way?
Those people who are doing that are the ones who are not normal and full of hate.
It sucks when you don’t have a support group, I understand because I did not have one either, But I made it to become the person I wanted to and you can too. You have lots of things to live for. When you realize that things will change. Pay no attention to that crap.

Cutting sucks and I can relate as you know. But stop now. You have to focus on making yourself happy. I am very familiar with XXX . It’s not just there it is everywhere, so you need to just learn to love yourself and try to not let those people take you down.

Keep your head held high my friend things will get better with time. If it possible to find some other to talk to maybe in a FTM support group online.

Stay strong and stay in touch with me so I can see how your doing because I care about you.


Buck Angel®
Pioneering Filmmaker, Speaker, and Advocate

Buck Angel speaking in Gothenburg Sweden March 29th - RFSU Göteborg & RFSL Göteborg

Buck Angel speaking in Gothenburg Sweden March 29th - RFSU Göteborg & RFSL Göteborg

Female to Male transpeople and the lesbian community

University of Winnipeg Gender Week 2012 is screening Sexing The Transman-The Documentary Feb. 16 at 7pm here is all the info:

http://www.facebook.com/events/331358993575544/

Buck Angel till Göteborg
I am coming to Sweden again. Here is a nice post from a friend I met when I was in Stockholm in August for Gay Pride. I am translating using google so don’t laugh at it:)
Last night or rather late in the night I got a nice email from Buck Angel. He also told us that he will come to Gothenburg March 28 and stay until early April. So all you who labor and live in Gothenburg can already now start to consider if you should run a big event / party or is interested in booking Buck Angel for an inspirational lecture on the norms and values ​​that govern our lives and prevents us from think logically. Buck Angel’s story of his life can cause anyone to stop and think and it can also create fundersamheter, go and listen. We will never be perfected and we can always learn more.Moreover, it is a great honor to Buck Angel wants to use the pictures we took last year. Proud and happy!

Igår kväll eller snarare sent i natt fick jag ett fint mail från Buck Angel. Han berättade även att han kommer till Göteborg 28 Mars och stannar till i början av April. Så alla ni som arbetar och bor i Göteborg kan ju redan nu börja fundera på ifall ni ska köra ett stort event/fest eller är intresserad av att boka Buck Angel för en inspirationsföreläsning om de normer och värderingar som styr våra liv och hindrar oss från att tänka logiskt. Buck Angels berättelse om hans liv kan få vem som helst att stanna upp och fundera och det kan även skapa fundersamheter genom att gå och lyssna. Vi blir aldrig fullärd och vi kan alltid lära oss mer.Dessutom är det en stor ära att Buck Angel vill använda sig av bilderna vi tog förra året. Stolt och glad!

Buck Angel till Göteborg

I am coming to Sweden again. Here is a nice post from a friend I met when I was in Stockholm in August for Gay Pride. I am translating using google so don’t laugh at it:)

Last night or rather late in the night I got a nice email from Buck Angel. He also told us that he will come to Gothenburg March 28 and stay until early April. So all you who labor and live in Gothenburg can already now start to consider if you should run a big event / party or is interested in booking Buck Angel for an inspirational lecture on the norms and values ​​that govern our lives and prevents us from think logically. Buck Angel’s story of his life can cause anyone to stop and think and it can also create fundersamheter, go and listen. We will never be perfected and we can always learn more.
Moreover, it is a great honor to Buck Angel wants to use the pictures we took last year. Proud and happy!

Igår kväll eller snarare sent i natt fick jag ett fint mail från Buck Angel. Han berättade även att han kommer till Göteborg 28 Mars och stannar till i början av April. Så alla ni som arbetar och bor i Göteborg kan ju redan nu börja fundera på ifall ni ska köra ett stort event/fest eller är intresserad av att boka Buck Angel för en inspirationsföreläsning om de normer och värderingar som styr våra liv och hindrar oss från att tänka logiskt. Buck Angels berättelse om hans liv kan få vem som helst att stanna upp och fundera och det kan även skapa fundersamheter genom att gå och lyssna. Vi blir aldrig fullärd och vi kan alltid lära oss mer.
Dessutom är det en stor ära att Buck Angel vill använda sig av bilderna vi tog förra året. Stolt och glad!

I’m lost with so much stacked against me.

Buck Angel, you are an angel! Thank you for what you do! Your so inspiring for me, we need role models like you! I hope I can tell you a little bit about me because I feel this deep need to talk to you. My name is H, im 28 and im just starting my transition (ftm) who is pre t and already im lost with so much stacked against me. I live in a place that is not trans familiar and I have to change my life dramaticaly such as moving to another state  to become myself and I dont even know if I will succeed. The pain got so bad it became unbearable to interact with people around me. I would call out of work just so I didnt have to be Tina that day. Having thoughts of succide every day to the point where I planned it out, a bottle of sleeping pills and a fifth of captain and call it good night and I almost did it. At that point I knew it was transition or bust. Im not as bold to transition in front of coworkers and friends so I quit my measly little job cashiering at a retail store and my friends havent heard from me in months. So im taking my tax return, moving to a place I dont even know just to escape my prison. I cant live a lie anymore just to make people happy but I also have a hard time explaing this to homophobic and transphobic people. So im going to go on this crazy ride to god knows where with nothing but a few belongings and what money I have. I know, sounds insaine but I hear its better than the alternative. So yeah, I mean I dont know what else to do but thank you for listening, well reading lol and I just want to tell you that you are doing an amazing job for the world to make it a better place for not only trans but everyone because your message is so profound that anyone can benifit from what u do. Thank you.

Hey H,

Thanks so much for your email! I am so proud of you for taking your negative situation and making it a positive one I do know how hard it is to live a lie as I tried suicide as well. That is not the answer.
You are doing the right thing and getting yourself in a place where you can be you! It might not be easy or it might just be super easy who knows but the fact that you are doing it say so much about who you are. Take the bull by the horns and go for it! I will be with you in spirit every step of the way. When you get in a bad spot just think of me pushing you and I hope that will help you!
Thank you for letting my work influence you in such a positive way! That means the world to me.

Keep in touch with me so I know how you are doing!

WOOF!!
Buck Angel®
Pioneering Filmmaker, Speaker, and Advocate

Amara’s Place-My Interview with Buck Angel (part 1)

I think this is a good interview for many of you to read, maybe you can get some of your questions answered about me..

Interview link here

Okey, dokey. Tis time. Time to play blog with… Buck Angel. Um, yeah… Buck Angel. OMGOMGOMGOMG… Buck.Angel. Yeah, I’m kinda freakin’ out. I was freakin’ out when I first talked to him back in November, and, well… I’m still kinda freakin’ out.  

Dude rocks mah socks.

‘k. *mumbles* Interview Amara. Interview.

*clears throat* As previously mentioned, the interview is kinda… long. Too long for one blog post. I had a hard time trying to decide how to break it up. In the end, I decided to just break it in half; I’ll post part 1 today, part 2 on Thursday. I do hope you’ll all come back. 
Now, with a big giant “thank you”, and a huge “Welcome to my blog”, I am please to bring you all…
*drum roll*… Buck Angel.

Amara: Hi Buck, thank you soooo much for agreeing to let me interview you. I’ll try reeeeal hard not to do it all starry-eyed, which is… easier said than done. *smiles* If you would please, let’s start with telling me a little bit about yourself. Who is Buck Angel?
Buck: I am actually just a normal guy. People think because I have a vagina that makes me different from other men in general, but I don’t really think I am. There’s a mistaken assumption because I work in the adult business that I must be a big party animal and go out every night. Not true. Though I am definitely a man with a mission; and that is a mission to educate about gender and sexuality, to help open people’s minds and change the world.
On that, you may notice that I stick with the original terms I used starting when I began my change about 20 years ago—the ordinary language like “bio” “sex change” and “transsexual” as they are easy for everyone to understand and I often speak to groups who might be confused by the newer jargon.
To learn more about me, visit my websites: buckangel.com, buckangelentertainment.com, and buckangelbodybuilding.com (Well, I guess I am a bit of an entrepreneur, too).
Amara:  *laughs* Yeah, I’d say ‘a bit of an entrepreneur’ seems accurate. 

So, when did you first realize you fell outside the traditional gender roles society places us in?
Buck:  Everything was fine when I was a kid because I was raised like a boy, my parents called me “Buck” and I played sports with the guys—it all seemed normal. Then I hit puberty and my breasts started to develop and then I began menstruating. It was a total nightmare for me until I finally started my sex change.
Amara:  What does a typical day in the life of Buck Angel look like?
Buck: Hahhaa you’re gonna crack up! Ok, if I am at home and not on the road, I get up and have coffee and read the news on my iPad. Then I workout for an hour, eat breakfast, shower, and start my day in the office. I work pretty much all day on the Internet (and eat 3 more meals). Then I have dinner with my wife and we watch some kind of TV series on NetFlix. Then we go to bed and start all over again…I know, boring—huh?
Amara: *laughs* Sounds nice to me. Who is the one person that has played the most significant role in your life and why?

Buck:  Hands down it is my wife, Elayne Angel, who is also my best friend. She did not start out with me on my sex change journey (I met her after that), but she has been the most supportive and also the one who has encouraged me to do my work as “Buck Angel.” She said to me when I had the idea to put myself out there, “You have to do it; you will change the world.” I thought that was so funny then, but she was right. She is just an all around great person: she is grounded and also has her own career to focus on. So we help each other and support each other’s work. I think that makes us a stronger couple because we each have our own identity and career. I am for sure a very lucky man to have her by my side.
Amara: That’s so awesome. I love that.
When we first talked about doing this interview, I opened my blog to my readers who wanted to ask you questions of their own, one of the questions I received the most was, how do you self identify? And how long have you identified as such?
Buck: I identify as a man. I have always identified that way even before I started my hormone treatment. For me it was all about transitioning from female to male. That was the end goal for me. Today things are a bit more fluid for people. The trans movement of today is totally different than when I transitioned. It is more about trans as an identity, but for me it was about becoming a man.
Amara:  Which community do you identify with most?
Buck:  That’s a hard question for me because I do not actually identify with any community. Though if I had to pick, I would say my community is the LGBT, just because that is where I came from, and where I and feel my message helps the most. But with that said I admit that I am not a big fan of any community, as they always try to put people into boxes. They make people feel they have to abide by certain rules they put in place telling us how to be gay, or how to be a trans person. My message is all about not fitting in the box. Especially in those communities—I don’t know why they would want to do that to people who have suffered with trying to fit in, and when they finally discover themselves and go to these communities for love and support, they get pounced on if they don’t follow the rules.
Amara:  What are your thoughts on “coming out” as relates to trans* vs gay people. Is there a difference? If so, why?
Well, whether trans or gay, there are different circumstances to coming out (or not)—to someone you’re dating vs. family vs. an employer. They are certainly the same in the sense that whoever you’re disclosing to may not be accepting of what you’re telling them. For me it was much easier to come out as a transsexual to my family than it ever was to come as a gay woman. They were far more accepting of me being their son than their lesbian daughter.  Every situation is different.
Amara:  *nods* Very true.
Last November when we first spoke, the LGBTQ erotica/romance book genre (in which I usually blog) was going thru a controversy that led to people wanting to more accurately label the authors as male/female and lgbtq. It has led to all kinds of painful things, including transgender authors “outing” themselves before they were “forcibly outed” so to speak. How do you feel about people’s attempt at labeling and trying to put people in a black/white kind of box?

Buck:  I think I answered this in one of the other questions. That is what my work is all about: not putting us in boxes. Forcibly outing someone is totally wrong and I do not understand why anyone would think they have the right to do this? Shame on them. I obviously have squashed that “male” box by putting myself out there as a man with a vagina. People have a super hard time with this because they need boxes to make them feel safe. They do not understand when something is different from them, and we have to open people’s eyes up to how “normal” we really are.
Amara: How do we overcome this “need” to label people?
Buck:  With lots of hard work. By not conforming to what society tells us we have to be and by changing the rules. When I first started my work people freaked out on me, especially in the adult entertainment business. Now I have won awards and I am a very well respected part of that industry. I changed the way they view people like me. All of us who feel we do not fit in the box need to band together and make the world see that we are normal.
Amara: I read an article on your thoughts on the use of pseudonyms. I blog mainly about authors and books, you make films, although they aren’t the same the basic principles of names and privacy are similar in my thinking. How important do you feel the use of pseudonyms are? Why?
Buck:  I feel it is extremely important and it a rightthat we should all have. For me it was about keeping my private life separate from my public life. I knew that I was going to do something that was going to push buttons and even make people very upset or angry. So I wanted to keep people in my private world safe. It is much safer for me to use a pseudonym and to keep my personal life separate from my work life.
Amara:  What types of privacy or safety concerns have you faced? How did you deal with them?
Buck: I have received many threatening emails throughout my career, including death threats. I would say that they have somewhat chilled out a bit, but I still get them. In the beginning of my career, it was mostly from the trans male community. They were bitching at me about how I was representing them all wrong and that I was making it look like FTMs could only be porn stars (yes they actually said that)!

But as I got more in the mainstream it starting coming from bio men. They just could not deal with my message: “It’s not what’s between your legs that defines you.” They freaked out because for many men, that IS entirely what defines them. For the most part I just ignore them. I stash the messages away in a “hate mail” file to use at some point in the future. Sometimes I write back and if I feel really angry about what they said, I’ll post their message on my blog or facebook with their email address.
Amara:  What do you believe has been your biggest role or accomplishment that has benefited the transgendered community?
Buck:  Helping people come to terms with their bodies. I think being transgendered is really hard. I know many people within the community (and also outside of it) who have found inspiration in the fact that I’ve been able to accept and become comfortable with my body and have learned to love it. I get a lot of positive feedback that I’ve helped other transpeople to become comfortable with their bodies too.


Ok. I think that’s an ok place to break. On Thursday I’ll post the rest of the interview; questions about Buck’s movies, about his film Sexing the Transman and his answers to reader submitted questions.
That’s all for us, for now.
Later taters!!